E63 Life Mastery: From Default to Design – Guest Mark Collins

your emotions are driven by your identity I get into a Issue at work somebody's getting on my nerves and then you have this response of anger That's because there's something in there that's telling you that, this guy's disrespecting me he's putting me down. But here's the interesting thing. The more I understand who I am the less I allow other people to tell me who I am You can tell me I'm an idiot. You can tell me I'm a fool You can tell me I'm not as good as right you can try and put me down It doesn't mean you're not being disrespectful. It just means it doesn't have an impact on who I believe I am hello everyone. And welcome to a prisoner's pardon podcast. I'm Michi J your host. I am so happy to have you here again with me because you could have been doing a lot of other things, but you took the time to come and listen to the show because you understand that you will get something of value. Again, I have a great show today. So I want to ask you, have you ever thought about Where are the men? Where are the men at? I know we see these forms of men, but it's like, where are the men? Because you can have a man, but they may be still thinking childish. So they really haven't grown and developed. And when you have someone that's underdeveloped, it can cause problems in their family, In the home at work and just everywhere in every relationship so What we're going to be talking about Today is the identity of the man And what is his purpose? now today with me is mark collins Mark is a pastor and he has been in ministry over 20 years he's also a coach, husband, father. and author. The name of his book is life mastery book living by Design and not by default. he has a black belt a bachelor's of art and is also a business owner. Welcome Mark. How you doing? I'm doing great. Thanks for having me on. I'll meet you today. That was, uh, uh, Wonderful introduction and he gave a little bit of my life story away, which is, which is fine. It's also in my book. So, um, wow. Why did I write the book? You know, the short story is because I needed the things that I had in the book, right? For me, it was figuring out a roadmap of becoming the person that I was created to be. Right, where are the men at? Where's their identity at? Well, if you looked at me when I was a young person, a young man, a teenager growing up into adulthood, my identity was in trying to measure up to my father. My dad was a strong man, a domineering man, but he wasn't a dad that was necessarily there for you as far as emotionally, relationally, and all of that. And in that place, I always had him as the picture of who I was trying to be. Unfortunately, as they say, right, you're, you should be an original because you're a bad imitation of somebody else. Um, and in that case, I couldn't measure up to him or the idea of what it looked like. So, uh, trying to figure it out, trying to see what does it look like to be a man? And, and, you know, that thing on the inside that I think a lot of guys have of I'm better than the life I'm living or that question that a lot of us have, right? Is this all that I've got? Is this everything that I'm supposed to be walking through? And knowing that that wasn't the truth. But I didn't know how to get there. And you said I was a pastor, but first I was a Christian. And, and before that I was just a guy out there trying to figure it out. So for me, it was personal development, right? Okay. So if I believe there's more, I don't know how to get there. I'll go out to the people that are doing those things who are making those, uh, resources, those tools. So I went out and grabbed everything I could. The problem was a lot of cases. It was kind of that same cases with my dad, right? You look at the person and they have this amazing, you know, whatever they're confident. They're they're rich. They're wealthy They've got position. They've got all these things and basically the story is well if you do the things I do You could become like me But I knew that I wouldn't I wasn't like Tony Robbins. I wasn't like Dean Graziosi I wasn't like Dale Carnegie and all the people that I learned from not that their principles didn't have value But there was no transformation in it Right. Okay. Where are you a pastor at and where do you live in the country right now? Sure. Um, thanks for the question. I'm in Southern California. Our church is authentic community church. Um, I'm the associate pastor there and our senior pastor is a pastor, Sean and Amanda Hamilton. They do a great job and I have the opportunity to be under their leadership and be. Associate pastor at that church. Okay, and you're a coach a coach of what like a basketball team a football team What what kind of coach a life coach? I Would you could call it a spiritual coach a life coach a business coach, whatever you want to call it It's really me trying to be a coach and mentor. I like the word mentor, but most folks don't really Resonate with that or understand what it means. So mostly I just say coach because it's kind of an easy understanding of oh, okay So you're gonna help me get better? Okay, and you're a husband. You also are a husband. How long have you been married? 33 years Yeah, uh, we've been married quite a while. Okay, you can talk to this then you you got some longevity here. Yeah To the same woman. Sorry Same woman with a lot of patience is which is why we're married 33 years known each other 35 married 33 Okay, have three kids all adults 125 140 144 You can remember their ages. I can't remember my kids ages. Okay, that's pretty good. You got good memory All right, and you are black so far You are a black belt in what? Yeah, so I was studying a martial art called wing chung. It's a chinese martial arts. So Martial artists In general broken up into two groups the Japanese or Chinese There's Thai martial arts and all sorts. I don't want to get into the details and bore you but yeah So Wing Chun is a Chinese martial art that I studied. I studied several martial arts and to be totally honest I studied martial arts because my dad I felt was a tough guy and I thought okay Well, if I learn all these things right the Bruce Lee kind of approach then I'm gonna be like my dad again Trying to be an imitation of somebody. I thought was the picture of a man. And my dad is certainly a man, but I'm not him for sure. Everybody is different and unique. God didn't make everybody the same. So you also have a degree. What is your degree in? Yeah, it's a bachelor of science and information technology. It's basically a computer degree. It was again, one of those things I was going to school when I was younger, you know, right out of high school. Um, you My dad was in the military. The last place he was stationed was in Utah, uh, retired there. So I, I grew up from sixth grade to high school, going into a little bit of college. It wasn't the life for me at the time. So I actually moved to California at that time, told people I was going to be a rock star. Um, wasn't necessarily working out that way. Uh, but as an adult, I, I, it was one of those goals that I wanted to have. Again, it was one of those things that you're trying to be an imitation of somebody else. There's those things that you use to succeed at not because you're good at it You're gifted at it or it's something that you're really driven towards but because you're trying to prove something And so for me with college It was to prove that I was smart enough to prove that I was a guy that could make it could finish could complete it Okay. All right. That was good. Um that helps As well as audience get to know, know you better. And this is awesome. I really like all the facets of you because it's going to make you very, very interesting. So you, you wrote this book. I'm like really interested in why did you name it the way you did? Cause you said life mastery book living. Design and not default. What, what was the, what's the meaning behind that? Yeah, so two, two different things. The first is the life mastery part of it. There's a scripture, you know, I'm a, I'm a Christian and a pastor, so I'm going to, uh, really the whole framework for life mastery of the book and the course that I have that I've, you know, walked through with different students is scripturally based. So there's instructions in the Bible. I believe that would give you the ability to live the life that you're created for. That's the whole goal of it. There's two goals in the book and with the course Life Mastery. To discover who you're created to be and live the life that you're created for. And so Life Mastery comes from Genesis 1 where God, Holy Spirit, and Jesus were together. And he said, let us make man in our image and in our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, so on and so forth. I won't read the whole thing. You can go check it out in Genesis 1. But that word dominion, right, can also be translated master. And what I understood in the scripture and what I understood in my own journey was, and not by, you know, fault of anybody, but typically we look at scripture, we look at God's word and we look at the way it's going to apply to everything out there. And that's absolutely true, right? You know, you're going to master, you're going to have dominion over all of the earth and those things. You know, I don't want to get into the scriptural story of it was lost with Adam and Eve, but it was regained with Jesus. But let's understand the concept. It is, it is mastery. But the thing is that God isn't inviting us. And giving us the dictate to master everything around us more so than we master ourselves I can't master my world if I can't master me. And so that's where that came from was that word dominion Um life fight. I'm, sorry say that again because that was key No master. I can't master my world if I can't master myself I can be dominating I can be domineering But I can't have dominion And so, um, by design or default, here's the truth of the matter that I see in every person I know. And I first saw it in myself. Most of the time we live our life by default, which means that life happens and I respond. Whether it's challenge, it's confusion, it's relational, you know, fights with your wife, it's, it's struggling at work, it's losing a job, it's trying to find a job, it's being, you know, in a place where you're, you know, Cut off in traffic, whatever the thing is life happens and typically we respond even in Christianity, right? We have those scriptures we put in our pocket and we bring them out when life is happening. I can't pay my bills I mean, these are all personal stories by the way in my past you you're right They say your your month lasts longer than your money And so you're, you're, you're quoting these scriptures, you know, he's made me the head and the tail, you know, I'm the, um, he has promises and plans and purposes for my life, right? We, we bring out these scriptures when life is happening. But I believe God called us to live life by design, which means this, I'm the answer to the situations I'm walking into. Not me specifically, although I am. But Misha J and everything against us. And that's like by default and Satan loves that because that means that we're always on the defensive. Everybody else who's listening to this podcast. We think that we're just supposed to defend ourselves when things come against us, whether it's struggle, issue, anger, fear, whatever, but God's calling us to live by design, which means this understanding that. I'm the answer that's going into this situation. I'm the response that God has what he's given me inside of me is what's supposed to be the impact for the life I'm walking into so if I have a challenge with a job, well, i'm the person with answers I'm the person with peace. I'm the person with solutions, right if if i'm having struggles in the relationship Well, i'm the person that's reconciling. I'm the person bringing vulnerability. I'm the person speaking truth and love And so life by design is the life that God has for us So that we're trained for the battle before it happens, not trying to fight it after. Right, because then it's too late. So, you made a point, I like, okay. Your goal is to have people discover who they are. Yeah. And what purpose, right? And you're like a coach. And you just said, Yeah, I do. Living life by design rather than default and you made a great point about instead of on a defense so thinking coach wise How would you I mean just talk about that as a coach because we see defense with football And we see offense. So what's your Could you kind of put it in plain terms and give an example of that for us, please? Thanks. Yeah. And let me use my own life. Yeah. So the things that we talked about, the accomplishments, all of those things, what I tell some people all the time, what I tell them in my life mastery courses, you'll never, so Fear, failure, issues, struggles with, you know, insecurity, they call that imposter syndrome as well. Feeling like I'm not qualified for that job or for that relationship or for that business. Right? Those are all things that are happening. Well, it comes from a place of identity and believing that you're a person who, right? We either live from our experiences or we live from who God created us to be, what I call identity. And so in the place where I'm living from my experiences, I'm using my accomplishments. Again, this is my personal story. I succeeded at business. My wife and I had a business that we sold for a six figure profit, a mid six figure profit. The interesting thing was that fear of failure that I had before we started that I struggled with while we were walking through it. I still had when we were done. So in that place, what is happening is you're expecting your outside world to make up the difference. in your identity. If I don't know who I am, I'm expecting the world to make up the difference. If I don't know who I am, I'm expecting my wife to make up the difference. So life mastery versus life by default, it really comes down to this. Am I allowing my experiences, my past, my hurts, the lies I believed, and the things that have been said about me tell me who I am? Or am I allowing God to tell me who I am? So life mastery starts with God. Identity I tell people this all the time. Um, I don't have a tattoo, but if I did it would say this identity is everything Yes, okay Let me explore this a little bit because you didn't mention the term imposter syndrome we hear that a lot, but for people to Understand what you're talking about and you can correct me It's like imposter Syndrome so A person could think that they shouldn't be there because of some experience or something like that, that they feel that they shouldn't be there. That's living it by experience, but by design, if you know that you're purposely supposed, if you know your purpose, you know, you're supposed to be there and you will approach things differently because. You are there, but if the person doesn't know their identity Don't have a Driver's license or can prove who they are You're saying that they can miss things because they don't have the proper identity They are not going places where they should be or just knowing who they are Just you know, I'm trying to break it down so we can understand it practically You in our lives because you, because you didn't know who you were, you had fear. Yep, absolutely. Yeah. And for me, it was fear of failure and the fear of failure. You're asking really great questions, Misha J. I appreciate that. Fear of failure is really, for me, it was, it was, An identity statement and it's the same with anything, right? If you've had relationships where there were struggles and they didn't work out, you get into a new relationship and, and you're getting into a fight, right? You're getting a little bit heated or something's going on there. Now, all of a sudden, it, it, it. I don't know anybody who's not like this, so I'm just going to say with everybody you're, you're already understanding where this is going because your past experiences show you don't logically think that, but you have those emotions of, you know, that, that fear and that worry and that confusion because you know that my past relationships haven't worked out. So this one isn't either. And so imposter syndrome is really not believing that you're qualified to be where you're at. In relationship and business and job, whatever, right? In podcasting, we should say, right? Like with you and I, it doesn't mean that you won't succeed. And that's the interesting thing. I know people have great success and I have testimonies of guys in our course and women as well. It's not that they don't succeed. It's that in their success, there's no joy because what they're fighting against is the belief that they're a failure waiting to happen. So even when they do succeed, there's always this word of, Oh, well this time, right? Mm-Hmm. right? Mm-Hmm. You get through a relational issue with your spouse, your girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever. Mm-Hmm. And, and, oh, okay, well it worked out this time, but watch out. It was luck. Right? The, the next one could be the last one. Exactly. It is something like, oh, you just lucky that you got there. Oh, okay. Exactly. You, you really, you breaking it down for us, um, to understand what you're talking about. So this, um, if we don't get past this fear, we can't move forward. Because we is starting from not knowing our identity. We were having this fear. Oh, that's why now I remember my question. I have I was having a senior moment experience. What's the value of that experience? In your when your thoughts because you have both everybody have experience, but what's the necessity of it? What's the value? of having that experience. That's a great question. So, in the course, and actually I think I read about it in general, I look at the book as being kind of the quick start guide to a life mastery journey. And so all of the details that are in the course and the things that we train and teach aren't necessarily in there, so this may be new knowledge for anybody who's read it. Um, so there's, there's, I call them four pillars of life mastery. Um, identity, experience, meaning, and emotion. Identity? Experience. And emotion. And so you start with identity. So you either live your life through identity, who I'm created to be, or you live your life with your experiences telling you who you are. It's like that phrase that people say, right? If you don't know who you are, don't worry, the world will tell you. And unfortunately, that's the truth. It'll tell you through marketing, it'll tell you through social media, it'll tell you through um, The people around you or the life that you have or the success they have, but I don't so I'm not as good as right. It's those things that we all struggle with. So experience is an experience. So for my own life, my, you know, I'm just to kind of let you in a little bit on my life. My mom passed away two months ago. Oh, I'm so sorry. I appreciate that. Um, it was an extended kind of time of her health failing and she, I, I live in California. She lives in Hawaii. So it was a, it was a bit of a struggle during that time. First off, obviously, cause you have a parent who's passing and you kind of know it, but you don't know when and to trying to kind of navigate through, you know, I'm not, I'm not a wealthy man. So going to Hawaii isn't something I can do every week. So to figure out timing in, in the relationship with family, I was, I was with a friend, a Actually, my brother in law and my mom had passed and we were in the, in her little home when she passed away and we stepped out of the bedroom. I was talking to him and, you know, obviously there's the emotion of the situation and he said something that was interesting. He said, you know, sometimes life is horrible. And my response to him was, you know, life isn't horrible, but this circumstance is. And so there's a difference. And so the difference in an experience that empowers you to move forward and one that holds you back really is in the meaning that you give it, right? Identity, experience, meaning and emotion. So life happens to everybody. Great success, decent day, horrible day, right? We all have experiences that we can say this was the worst day or the worst experience I walked through. But the difference is in being able to move forward from that experience. Or have it be an anchor that holds you back the rest of your life Maybe you know people I unfortunately know people in my life that they've experienced loss and They're still talking about that loss. It's still a cloud hanging over their head years later The experience isn't the issue because good and bad and challenges will happen right right in this world You will have trouble Jesus said the difference is what meaning do I give it? See for myself I was fully there and, I mean, I'll tell you the honest truth, I was crying every day the last five days as I spent that time with my mom. Because there was a loss that was coming and you could start, you know, you walk through it. I don't need to go into details. But, that experience isn't who I am. It doesn't mean I love my mom less. It just means I understand, hey, I have a good life and a good place and frankly, it's a, answer to prayer to be able to be here with her at this time, even though at the same time, it's a crushing experience for us. So it's not the experience that matters, but the meaning you take from it in the most cases, right? Like when I, you know, we succeeded at our fourth business, which means that the first three didn't. Okay. So the experience of losing our business or failing and it costing money and putting us in a financial struggle, right? That's, that's a Business failure. The problem is a lot of times we think it's an us failure. Your relationship doesn't work out. You get a divorce. You, you, that relationship you've had for years or for a few weeks doesn't work out. The relationship didn't work out, but sometimes we think, well, that means I'm not lovable. I'm not somebody of value. I'm not somebody of worth that, that deserves a relationship. It's not the experience. It's the meaning I take from it. And the meaning I take from it will always be in alignment with who I believe I am. That's key what you say, said. Could you say that again? The, the meaning I take from my experience will always be in alignment with who I believe I am. So if I believe I'm a failure and I, and my business doesn't work out, oh well I just proved it right. If I believe that I'm a person that's meant for success and impact in the world, well then that's just something to walk through, an experience to walk through to get to that next stage. It all depends, I mean it all comes back to identity. Identity is everything. Who you believe you are, you'll see walked out in every area of your life. Okay, that is very key. I really like that, that you kind of expose that and make it plain to see. This is especially good for men who have gone to prison and They're out now. Maybe some are still in some are in spiritual prisons, you know, because it does start in a mind first but in experience because Again, a lot of people in my audience have been in jail. Hey Do have an ID Problem we we see it somewhat to when they come out. They can't it's hard for them to get their ID, you know and The most important ID they need to have is their identity in what you're talking about now and you're trying to help them get the real ID they need and your book is equipping men and women can pick up this book too and learn as well because we suffer from that as well and um so Can you speak from? Yeah, it's experience because sometimes experience make you be Emotional it's nothing Wrong with emotion. So because emotion can kind of Drive you kind of motivate you It what is but it's like what is it motivating you to do? Is it motivating you to stop? Yep breeze so You're coaching people through this And you're showing them who they are and their experiences. And then you went into, I think I jumped ahead of you. You said the meaning, cause you were talking about the meaning. Cause you said the four pillars are what ID experience, meaning, and emotion. Yep. And the interesting thing is in most personal development programs, they always start with the last one, which is emotion. And I always make it last because it's the, it's, it's the one that, If you change the first three, the last one will fall in line, meaning this. So, um, my, my mom, my mom passed away, right? Or, or let's do this. I lost, you know, our, we had some businesses that failed, cost us hugely financially. We were at the point of bankruptcy. Right? So that's an experience that we walked through. The meaning, if it's an empowering meaning, I call them disempowering or empowering. Empowering is. Okay, we learned from that. Now I won't make that mistake again, but I've learned things that I can take into the next experience. It doesn't mean I'm not supposed to be this person or do this thing. It just means that this is part of the going to school. This is part of the learning. So if I take that meaning, then what am I feeling when I come out of it? I'm feeling confident. I'm feeling assured. I'm feeling, you know, in line with what I'm doing, but if I go through that same experience, business fails, we're struggling financially month to month. Now, all of a sudden, the meaning is I'm a failure. That's because of me. I've blown it. I'm never going to succeed. Well, what emotion do you have off of that? I have shame. I have regret. I have embarrassment. What I tell people is this. Your emotion is the only honest thing in the conversation. Because if I was on a mountaintop or I was on the roof of a tall building and I was right at the edge, well, fear would be an appropriate emotion. But if I'm in a relationship with my, my, my wife, Misha Jay, and we're in a fight, me being afraid that we're gonna get a divorce, is that an empowering or disempowering emotion? It's a disempowering one. So if I can walk back to the whole experience, if I understand who I'm created to be, I'm a person that's got value and impact in the world. Yeah, but something happened. And you know, for some of your listeners, I went to jail, I made some wrong choices, I did some things that caused me to go into the system, right? But if I know who I am a person of value and worth, okay, well, that was a mistake. I recognize the mistake. You know, I, I, I, I create the consequence that I need to walk through, but the meaning of it is this is an experience for me to walk through to understand who I'm not going to be and what I'm not going to do. Now, all of a sudden, the emotion that you have going into it is I'm a person of confidence and worth. It's really me telling my world who I am versus my world telling me. So, again, it's who you're allowing the world to tell you who you are, which is. The default, right? You're right For all of us not just some of us. So anybody out there saying oh, it's only me. No, it's not you I wrote a whole book because I was a guy in that place, but wanted to have a roadmap I wanted to have a blueprint to become the person that was created to be not what the world said I was So I like this. Um, this is very very good and you Walking through this You just left us the recipe in your book and just follow the steps that you laid out so we don't have to reinvent the wheel, right? You've done it. I want to live off your experience. I don't want to have to go through it myself. If I, if somebody else has been there and actually took the time to write about it, like yourself, to tell you how to get out, um, get the best of it. So, all of this. Again, you said identity, which you went through the experience, meaning and emotion. I love how you said it's the last thing in the most honest thing. And because it's feeding off whatever you, your identity, your identity is, it's feeding off whatever your experience is. And it's feeding off what meaning did you take from it? And that's how you're going to emote. You're going to show your emotions. And you cannot hide that. And that's a great point. So all of this is what part of the image, if this part of the image of a person, this is the life that everybody goes through. So my life is fully encompassing in who I'm created to be or who I believe I am identity. The experiences I walked through, the meanings I put through it and the emotions that I have. And so this is kind of a snapshot of what life looks like lived out. And I put it in that place as the four pillars of life mastery, because it's also the same. Four pillars of life, what I call life management or living life by default. The problem is we start with the emotion, right? Allowing our experiences to tell us who I am. The meaning tells me that I'm not good enough and the emotions follow. So I get angry. So I have control. So I have fear of failure. So I have imposter syndrome. So I have insecurity. I feel like I'm not good anywhere. And you know, I'm just waiting for the next thing to fail in my life. So are you saying when people? lash out or have this anger. You're saying that their experiences what meaning they put to that in who they think they are is driving that is it? Yeah, if you want to get really deep into what we talked about in the chorus, right? You're just a little bit just a little bit your emotions. Your emotions are always a response to your experience. Right, but your emotions are driven by your identity again, so I get into a Issue at work somebody's you know, we're not in agreement with stuff, you know He's kind of getting on my nerves or I'm getting on his nerves or whatever And and then you have this response of anger you have this response of hatred or whatever, right? And that's because there's something in there that's telling you that, you know, there's this guy's disrespecting me He's he's doing something that's you know, he's putting me down. He's doing this or that or the other But here's the interesting thing. The more I understand who I am the the less I allow other people to tell me Which means is if I'm walking into a circumstance in a situation and I'm confident in who I am You can tell me I'm an idiot. You can tell me I'm a fool You can tell me I'm not as good as right you can try and put me down It doesn't mean you're not being disrespectful. It just means it doesn't have an impact on who I believe I am. But when I don't believe who I am, when I'm feeling like, uh, you know, I'm not getting respect, right? That kind of identity issue where you, you feel like you're not somebody as good as everybody else. Again, I'm talking from personal experience. Now, all of a sudden my response is anger because you've hit a nerve, so to speak. You've hit an area where I feel vulnerable because while I try on the outside portray that I don't believe it on the inside, I kind of do. But I'm telling you what, when you walk in knowing who you're creating, you're not in arrogance, because none of this comes from me believing I'm all that. It all comes from, I know God's made me specifically, just like he's made everybody else. And the more I align with who he's created me to be, the more I'm walking in confident in that. The great example is Jesus, right? Whether it was the devil or the religious teachers or anybody around him, everybody was trying to put him in the mold of who they believed the Savior was supposed to be. None of it impacted him If people were angry if people left him because of some of the words he said if they tried to persecute him Right. All he had to do was change Who he was right so we get that's where I was going a little bit with the image We're we're actually creating in his image and he's an example for us if I know who I am going into it All of the noise from the outside has no impact and allow other people to tell him that and everything would have been cool Supposedly, but jesus knows who he is He's the model um, so to speak and where we should be trying to imitate and you Have really crafted. Yeah a good tool here for people to use again You The name of Mark's book is Life Mastery Living Life by Design Not by Default. Wow we can relate to that because It's like you are now getting in the driver's seat rather than being driven You're actually getting in the driver's seat where you belong and that's where our men belong. So what is okay now that Once they Read this book, get this information. What is some of the impacts you think they will see in their life? Like describe some of the impacts that you've seen in your own life because you've mastered this. That's a great question. Thank you for saying Misha J. First, so there's a few things. One is I believe that every man has an impact in the world that you're you're called and created. Thank you. For an impact that's yours and yours alone. And I'm not just saying it because I'm trying to pump people up or because I believe that about my own life. I see it all over the word of God. I see it all over scripture. It's really interesting in, in, in the word of God. When you talk, see a man or a woman in, in a multitude of cases, God would come and tell them who they are. And then he would tell them that the, the thing that is theirs, their, their journey, their purpose, the thing that he's called them to have an impact with. But he always started with who they were created to be. He didn't start with, if you do this thing, then you'll become somebody of importance. He said, you're a person of value and worth. You're a great man of valor. And this is what you're going to do with it. Even when in every case that I remember, they didn't know that about themselves. And so for us, identity starts with. Who does God say you are and then who do you say you are and in that place you can start to become that person And so for me again, I've had success in different areas of my life And even if you haven't here's the sameness about all of us Whether you're successful or not in the things that you're doing those fears that we have are all the same those feelings of wanting to be valued as a man and And you know hoping for your world to show you the difference that you don't have on the inside You Right. If I don't know who I am, the world has to make up the difference. So you have to respect me. So you have to, you know, give me whatever that wealth, that power, that prestige, that position. All the things we use as substitutes for identity. So in my own life, the honest truth is, Misha J., there's a couple of things that happened. The first one is I started showing up as a guy that I thought I was created to be. I started to see him lived out. So I wasn't getting angry when things were happening. I wasn't having struggles with my wife because our business wasn't going well. The outside world wasn't dictating my inside value. My inside value was dictating what happened in the world. It doesn't mean everything's perfect. And you know, I won the lottery and everything's great. But what it does mean is That fear didn't follow me in everything I did. Anger wasn't my first response to everything I was coming against. Really because, you know, I'm just going to be honest. Anger is really just a great arrow pointing to insecurity. Anger is never the emotion. So when they tell you, again, most personal development programs, they talk about managing your emotions. Which is foolish because you'll always be managing them if you're only going to stay there. But here's the truth. When I understood who I was created to be and I started walking through identity, my thoughts of who I am were aligning with who God says I am, now all of a sudden stress wasn't there, worry wasn't there at the highest levels. So not only was I able to accomplish stuff, but I actually was able to enjoy it because I wasn't worried that at any minute it's gonna fall apart. I tell people this, and so life mastery is the tool, freedom is the goal. And where freedom comes from is where Jesus said, He who the sun sets free is free indeed. It is absolutely a salvation message. So I'm not trying to take away from the fact that, okay, Jesus died for our sins, and that's a freedom that he has, freedom against the impact and the influence of sin. But there's a lifestyle side of it that he was also talking about. Freedom looks like something lived out. It looks like somebody a man walking in confidence It looks like a man willing to to be vulnerable in his relationships because he's not afraid that he has to guard against being hurt It's a man who has an impact in the world and believes that there's more for him not guy What I call him in my course and what I talk about with the guys that I coach is we're heroes in hiding love that There's a there's a hero on the inside that isn't coming out So it's not just me feeling good for me You It's me being able to invest in the world and the impact God has through me because I know who I am. And so I tell guys this all the time. I say, living from a place of freedom is the easiest thing you can do. It's literally me just living from who I'm created to be. It's, it's effortless with work. Meaning, you know, I still have to work to get things accomplished like this podcast, like my ministry and all of that. But I'm not struggling. I'm not striving. I'm not, you know, stressed out because of it. Living from a place of freedom is the easiest thing you can do. Living apart from freedom is tough. And that's how most of us are living. Right. Thank you for that. So one thing you said, correct me if I'm misinterpreting this, is making The difference trying to have the world World have to make up the difference having the world have to make up the difference when You actually should be making the difference not the world, right? Yeah, so Hmm So we you talked about so so if I don't What I said was if I if you don't know who you are the world has to make up the difference Which means with my relationship with my wife, if, if I don't feel secure in who I am, if I don't, I'm not confident that I'm a person of worth and value worthy to be loved. If I feel like I'm insecure and my relationships haven't worked out, so maybe this one won't work out either. Well, then what I require from her, I don't say it, but what I require from her is, okay, then you need to, you need to always treat me nicely. You need to not get angry. You need to validate me. Exactly. Because I don't believe who I am. So again, you have to make up the difference. But when I know who I am now, I tell people, My, my marriage is a benefit. It's not a requirement. It's my wife is a benefit to my life and she makes my life better. She's not a requirement for me to be okay with me. I like that. It's that is a key thing. So first it starts with the individual you getting the ID. Which then goes into every relationship you have because then you went from You were in a relationship with your wife, and it's you two, so if you let the world dictate how you all should interact versus what the model of what the Bible says and what God says because he created you, it's gonna be totally two different things, right? Yep. Yeah, absolutely. And you showed. How it started impacting you as a husband with your wife You stopped being a probably annoyed with some things before You know, i've seen things. No, exactly No, you're absolutely right because again those emotions are going to be on the surface right if i'm If I don't understand who I am if I don't understand who god created me to be right then anything that's happening at work Um I'm gonna take home anything that happened on the street. I'm gonna take home anything that happens with my neighbors I'm gonna take home right you can't we as men try to compartmentalize our life. We think we can So right, you know if work is horrible or I don't have a job and so this is that but I'm gonna be an angel At home, that's never the case because it bleeds over into every area of your life And so my marriage is better because I'm better My job is better because I'm better because you're making the difference in that world exactly because I'm walking in who I'm created to be God made us to walk like that. It's only satan that tries to get us to stop right? so If you you're making the difference and you're going to start seeing the fruit of it and What you're saying that you can't really manage that Because when that's what they were trying to do when they try to When you said that if something happened at work, I'm gonna keep that at work and I'm gonna come home and I'm gonna be somebody else. You're trying to actually manage that by keeping it over there and it's actually you, it's right, you bringing it with you. You can't leave it because it's a part of you, a part of your experience now. Going back to your four pillars. And that you're absolutely right. Okay. And here's the thing. Also, I'm either bringing it home because I'm going to lash out. I'm going to be angry. I'm going to be short tempered or whatever. Or I'm bringing it home because I'm going to be shut down. So you guys think that me being able to be a good husband is I'm not letting you into those areas that I'm struggling with. I'm striving with or I'm having issues with that. Well, that's a great way to have a superficial marriage. Because now your wife doesn't even know who you are because you're not allowing her to it doesn't mean i'm weak It just means i'm honest Right, my wife my wife and I walked through my mom's passing I didn't act like it didn't bother me because that's what a man is supposed to be That's just a lie from the pit of hell say it again. I let her know that this is a tragic time and i'm hurting in that That doesn't mean I'm not strong. It just means I'm actually emotionally relevant in my relationship Sometimes we're emotionally irrelevant because we think that's what it looks like to be a man. Oh, no, I'm not gonna you know those You know, I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna act like something hurts me. Well, then you're not a lot like Jesus so actually when you said you're they think you're not a man and So they got the wrong image of what a man should be wrong imagination, the way he's thinking. And it's, you know, I'm an older guy, so I remember this picture, so I'll give a picture of what it looks like. I don't know if you've ever seen a cartoon of a, of a guy that's a bodybuilder. Right? He's, he's super huge, big arms, big chest and all that. And then you look below the waist and his legs are like toothpicks. Right? Yeah. We've got that phrase that guys used to needle each other, don't forget leg day. Well, that's in a relationship. That's exactly what we look like sometimes because on the top, right? The provider, the man of strength, the, you know, the person who's the, the protector in the household, that's kind of that upper body. And then the emotional stuff of actually being vulnerable and available, actually being able to say when you're hurting and walking through it, actually being able to have a conversation with the guy getting angry, right? That's the emotional side. Right. That looks like toothpicks on that bodybuilder. God doesn't call us to be half developed. He calls us to be developed. And so I it's one of the things I wrote in one of my newsletters to my guys was they don't forget leg day. Incredible. I love that analogy and going into my last question right now. Um, in relationships. And even with yourself, because people, we have these voices sometimes that tell us, um, wrong things that we, you know, we are believing wrong things. And I've seen many relationships, not, you know, not all, but where the people closest to you can get some good shots in and Unknowingly, they don't understand they're, they're, um, actually tearing down the person with words and things like that. Um, where, what would you have as a coach? Yeah. Because we, we do have wives and we do have men at times using their strengths inappropriately and, and the women using their strengths inappropriately. Um, And tearing down their own house and tearing down men. And that's one of the reasons why our men are not having the strength they are needing to have and not being the heroes, like you said, who they were made to be. What is it, what is it they can do as a man if they got, they're in a relationship? You know, that they, a wife, like a girlfriend, you could probably, probably ditch her. You know, if you, unless she's worth saving, I don't, I don't know, it's probably not for you to save her. I don't know. That's questionable. We won't digress over there. But if they're in a relationship, like a marriage or something, they like tie together. What do you, what do you tell them as a coach? Yeah, absolutely. That's a great question. And so let me give you a picture. So, um, I remember we're seeing this old time kind of, uh, video. It was, it was film back in the day. And there was a strong man that was standing in the middle, holding two ropes. And he had a group on one side, pulling him that direction and a group on the other side, pulling him that direction. And so that's a lot like what I talk about when I talk about mastering your thoughts with my guys. So you're the person in the middle, and on one side is God and who He says you are, and on the other side is the world and maybe your family and even some of those people close to you who are saying who you are. And so what I do is I say this, you have three things that matter, who God says you are, who you say you are, who the people around you say you are. Whatever one is the priority is the one you're going to believe. So, for us, I say, mastering your thoughts means aligning your thoughts with who God says you are. Pulling in that direction. Well, the more I'm pulled in that direction and I'm saying, because it's not just what they say, it's what you say, because at the end of the day, the truth is, it doesn't matter what anybody around me says, more than it matters what I say about me. And what I tell the guys is this, if what you say about yourself doesn't align with what God says, then you're lying to yourself. So, if your spouse, your friends, those people around you, if what they say about you doesn't align with what God says about you, then they're lying to you. But at the end of the day, my Responsibility is my thoughts. And so what I do is I, I continue to remind myself who God says I am. Not in general scriptures, but in specificity. With identity, I have guys write down a statement, an I am statement. Who are you? Right? I'm a man of confidence and assurance. I'm a man of Fortitude and action. I'm a man that follows through that cares for his friends and family deeply that finishes the projects that he starts that is Always consistent and there for those things that he's supposed to be right whatever that statement is I give them that statement because I say remind yourself of it read it every day I read mine multiple times a day because life happens all day And people are trying to tell you who you are all day. So Mastering your thoughts is, are my thoughts aligning with God? Am I being pulled in that direction towards what God says I am? Who He says I am? Am I reminding myself, right? We talked about it in the beginning of the conversation. I'm preparing myself for the battle before the battle happens. I can't try and remind myself who I am after I'm in a fight with somebody who's telling me I'm a whatever, a fool. But if I know who I am walking into it, not all of a sudden you don't have an impact. And in a relationship, you first off align with who God's created you to be. Second off, take ownership of the part of the relationship dysfunction. That's your responsibility. It takes two people to fight. It takes two people to heal. And depending on where your relationship is that If there are people who are continually bringing you down, then they may be people that you want to examine how much time you want to put into that relationship, whether it's a friend, whether it's a family member, right? It's okay to not hang around people that continue to put you down. You have permission to do that. That's healthy. That's not an healthy unhealthy relationship is expecting better from people that can't give it. Oh, you need you preaching now. I didn't know you was going to start preaching on here. But, um, it's boundaries. You're talking about boundaries and just knowing where to draw the line and where those boundaries are. I just love what you do because you are a true coach. You are coaching men to be men, to be heroes, helping them with their identity, helping them to understand the experience and taking it and not shining it. And what the meaning behind it is so that they can have the right emotions and not be scared of emotions and because men have emotions just like women but it's just how you Control those motions, but you getting down to the root of where they're coming from, you're helping to coach them through and you're going to call it, you're going to call the shots to where it is. If that's an out, that's an out. You know, if you got struck out, you know, you just got struck out. You know, you may have to sit on a bench for a minute, you know, I might have to put you on penalty zone or something as a coach, you do all that. You show it in your book. You even have. After the book, which I like, you don't just throw the book out there and just leave them in. Right. So you have these sessions and how do they, they get these sessions with you because you, you're the coach. Yeah. Well, I, thanks, thanks for that question. I, um, I have a website, freedom four-life.net. Mm-Hmm it's freedom-four-life.net. So, um, you can actually purchase the book there. I have the courses there. I have the Life mastery course. which also contains some one on one coaching. And the reason I included coaching in the program, not just the program was because I know the one thing that I would want to give people that I didn't have it. And that's fine. You know, there's always the first person through it. And for me, it was walking through my journey, cataloging it, making the roadmap and giving it to guys. But the one thing I knew was, it would be amazing if you could through one conversation, Shorten your understanding of something that is going to give you a breakthrough So instead of doing it and trying to figure it out in three months Now you can do it in one or trying to figure it out in a week trying to figure Well, how do I implement this in my life? Now all of a sudden one conversation can catapult you can fast forward you into the freedom that you're called to so That's all on my website. There's actually also a free discovery tool Um that's out there. You could go to my website It's a I call it a diagnostic tool, but it's a discovery tool to say hey, where am I at in my life? Mastery journey so you take A quick survey and then at the end of it, it's not only where am I at, but hey, what's the next step I can take to get to the next level? So that's a free tool that's out there as well. Oh my goodness. You, I mean, you got the resources too. You, you trying to say you need to know where you at so you can know which way to go. And you have, you're doing one on one after a while and actually coaching them. I'm going to call you. I'm not going to call you master. I mean, I'm sorry, pastor. Collins, I'm more, I'm more geared towards coach Collins. I like it. I'm geared towards coach Collins because you're not just a pastor. You're not just a husband. Those are those relationships. You're not just a father, a black belt, you know, a degree and we, you know, you got some, you got a lot of degrees in a black belt and you got a father degree. You got a husband degree. You got to pass the degree. You, you, you making them be have mastery of their lives. I love that. I love what you, thank you for your service. And, um, is there anything else you want to say to the audience? Because you, you have said a lot for them. You're going to help a lot of men understand, um, how to come out of an institution and not be institutionalized and, um, helping. them be better husbands, better, um, becoming coaches themselves. Yeah. Um, uh, better fathers, which we need. And it's just a lot they're going to get from your book from you as well And I will be putting everything in the webs in the I should say In the show notes because sometimes people like to see it So I will put it in there so that they can master their lives and not live by default but live by design For sure. Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for that. And and the one thing I would say is you know, we're talking about all these tools and all these concepts right the four pillars of life mastery and We have, you know, in our course, and I talk about it in the book as well, the three transformational strategies, all of these things aren't to give you more habits and things to do, aren't to give you a whole big checklist of stuff to do. It literally is this. God has a impact that he wants to make in the world through you. There's a call and a purpose on your life. It's for everybody. It's not just for people on podcasts like Misha J and myself. It's not just for those guys that are in the pulpit, those people you see on TV. They're all different, but every man has an impact that he's supposed to make in the world. So these tools are really just a roadmap, a blueprint for you to get where you're at. But at the end of the day, the thing that matters is God sees you. He knows you. He loves you. He created you for more than where you're at and that impact in the world. These are simply the tools to help you unleash who you are as the hero in hiding so that you're, you know, Living out that life that you're created for you. You probably do. You have, you probably should write your next book hero in hiding or something like that. I've kind of really liked how you saying that. So basically what you're saying and we'll leave with us is that you are of value. God gave his life for you because we are of value. Well, coach Collins, thank you so much for being on a prisoner's pardon podcast. Listeners, thank you for listening. I'm pretty sure you've gained a lot of value in this from coach Collins. You're going to leave here fired up and you're going to win the game. The game of life. Thank you so much. And may you have a week filled with blessings.